Expectations

This is the true athlete - the person in rigorous training against false impressions. Remain firm, you who suffer, don’t be kidnapped by your impressions! The struggle is great, the task divine - to gain mastery, freedom, happiness, and tranquility.” - Epictetus, Discourses, 2.18.27-28

The Situation

Lately, I have realized that much of my internal anguish is due to how others act, interact with and treat me daily. I’ve said it before; I like myself. However, I don’t like how people often treat me. From this point, I began to realize that perhaps if it smells like crap everywhere that I walk, maybe the source is stuck to my shoe. In other words, I was quick to ask, what is wrong with me? Why do I drive others away? This mindset was how I operated for a great deal of time.

Recently, I realized that I am much different from others (neither good nor bad, just the way it is). When I interact with people, I can provoke anxiety in them. This realization is a bit of a troubling situation because we choose whether to “like” or “dislike” something based on our autonomic nervous system. Mostly we either feel anxious and move away, or we feel good and move toward someone or something. This scenario, in other words, is an unconscious or automatic response. To me, this means that I have little to no control over how someone is going to feel about me. This idea is both liberating and frustrating. It’s liberating in the sense that I only have a minimal amount of influence on the people and world around me. It is also disappointing because I only have a minimal amount of influence on the people and world around me. My ego, of course, wants to manipulate and control everything. My ego wants everyone to like me.

For if a person shifts their caution to their own reasoned choices and the acts of those choices, they will at the same time gain the will to avoid, but if they shift their caution away from their own reasoned choices to things not under their control, seeking to avoid what is controlled by others, they will then be agitated, fearful, and unstable.” - Epictetus, Discourses, 2.1.12

It makes sense to me that in the days of living in a tribe, we needed others to like us. If we were not desired, it seems that it would leave the door open to potential exile. When there were no cities that we could move to for survival, being ousted from the group probably meant death. By design, we act in our best-rationalized self-interest. Biology works in the hope that the organism will survive and propagate. So from a survival standpoint, having an ego that expects people to like us and to have us do what we can to get that liking response seems reasonable. However, we are now in the modern era, where we do not need to keep people around much as we did in ancient times.

This juncture seems to be where the idea of expectation slips in. It is my ego that expects other people to like me. After all, we are biological beings with needs. When someone else loves us, our needs begin to be met. If we try and do not successfully healthily meet these needs with other people, we will find a way to fill that void. If our approach is pathological, we will likely spawn a pathology. We have the needs of giving and receiving love, along with being heard and seen. If we do not satiate our needs with other people, perhaps bad habits and addictions will tend to fill the gaps. What better way to artificially meet our needs than to overcompensate or distract ourselves in some way? It seems as though it is easy for us to justify our actions, even if we know they might not be the best.

It seems as though we as humans have a default pattern. We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. This approach seems to allow for justification of our thoughts, feelings, words, and deeds. Because we view ourselves as generally reasonable and well-intentioned people, it makes sense that we would expect others to like us as well. In the end, who are we to expect anything? Who are we to judge whether our actions are for better or for worse? Who are we to try to control anything outside of our direct experience, which originates from deep within us? Who am I to “deserve” any treatment? Perhaps we have some fundamental deserving characteristics because we are human. Maybe we are worthy of love and respect. But when I think that I deserve to be treated a certain way, that’s a recipe for a lonely life.

Because we originate from some internal place - the only experience that we can potentially know anything about - it seems the only person that we might have any semblance of expectation for is ourselves. This notion stems from the idea that the only thing that we can control at all is our internal state. This internal state gives rise to our demeanor and actions within the world. Viktor Frankl said it best:

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” -Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

It is interesting and germane to note here that it could be argued to what degree we have freedom over this choice. We are biological, psychological, and social beings. This postulate is to say that many factors influence the decisions that we make. This approach includes the choice of how we might let a specific circumstance affect us. This idea is, is similar to nature versus nurture discussion, which has had some recent progress but is still far from solved in any deterministic way.

So even though we have the choice of how to let something affect us, it is still impacted by many complex and interrelated factors. Therefore, it is no wonder that we cannot have expectations for someone else. We hardly know what is going on inside of our head, how could we ever know another?

It seems as though we could spend a lifetime with another person and never honestly know the depths of their cavernous mind. Therefore, when we have an expectation, and the other person acts in an “unpredictable way,” we will be disappointed. However, it should not be surprising that they have performed in such a manner. It seems naive to think that we think that we can predict how another person might act in a given situation. There are probably numerous situations that we can recall when we have surprised ourselves and worked in ways that are much different than what we had expected.

In the end, we do not know what another person has experienced. Even if they tell us what happened, there is no way for us to understand or comprehend what it was that they experienced and, as a result, felt. Additionally, some people hide their scars very well. If we are open, welcoming, and kind, then we are liable to get many parasites here. People who have not dealt with past trauma may be looking to latch on to either forget or know who they are. When people do not have a strong sense of self, they bond in an unhealthy manner to others.

We control our reasoned choice and all acts that depend on that moral will. What’s not under our control are the body and any of its parts, our possessions, parents, siblings, children, or country--anything with which we might associate.” - Epictetus, Discourses, 1.22.10

The New Approach

If we hold in our mind the notion that we do not have a significant amount of control, and a similar ability to have expectations, perhaps we can arrive at a point of realizing that we need to show up with as few expectations as possible. When we have an expectation, it allows for the possibility of failure and disappointment. That is not to say that we should throw away all expectations as there are a time and place for them. Take, for example, the anticipation of an impending vacation. We can gain a great deal of excitement as we anticipate and expect our vacation to be a thrilling experience. However, on the same line, when we take a vacation, and it’s a complete nightmare, these expectations, these preconceived notions add salt to the wounds. This idea becomes even more potent when situations turn into people. It’s exciting to meet a new person and to have expectations of a solid friendship or relationship. However, when those people do not conform to the mold that we have cast for them, we become disappointed. This outcome is exacerbated when we have let them in, built trust and confidence, and they proceed to leave us in the dust, or worse yet to lie to us.

At this juncture, we must take care to differentiate having expectations as opposed to expecting the worst. The latter tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we expect the worst in people, we tend to find it. This approach is also the start of creating a bitter and cynical cycle which predominantly ends in anger — which is a battle already lost. We can think of children or dogs when we do not play with them, or worse yet when we harm them. They wince, are sad, and eventually get over it. They are SAD, not MAD. This difference is a significant realization.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” - Mark Twain

There is no more stupefying thing than anger, nothing more bent on its own strength. If successful, none more arrogant, if foiled, none more insane - since it’s not driven back by weariness even in defeat, when fortune removes its adversary it turns its teeth on itself.” - Seneca, On Anger, 3.1.5

So then, expectations and anger are unproductive. What might we do? Perhaps thinking back to the Hero’s Journey for a second, we can gain some insight. A hero must go out into the unknown, learn, and bring that knowledge back to assimilate into society. This idea is no different from humans and expectations. When the hero moves into the world, he has armor to protect himself, physically, psychologically, and emotionally. Perhaps if we keep our armor at our side and our guard ready but stowed, we can move through the chaotic world with minimal pain. It’s best not to run headlong, and emotionally vulnerable into every situation. That is naive. Living on the opposite end of the spectrum, fully walled and closed off, is not productive either. Perhaps slowly letting people in as they gain trust and show respect might be prudent. Being judicial with the folks that we let in, along with realizing our boundary of control might be the best strategy that we have.

The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own. . .” - Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4-5

At this point, perhaps we can agree that we cannot be a shut-in nor a belligerent social butterfly, at least not without ramifications at both extremes. Maybe if we get to a place where we have a strong sense of self, where we know who we are and what we want, we can make decisions in our best interest. From that place, we can go into the world well, knowing what it is that we will not tolerate.

The proper work of the mind is the exercise of choice, refusal, yearning, repulsion, preparation, purpose and assent. What then can pollute and clog the mind’s proper functioning? Nothing but its own corrupt decisions.” - Epictetus, Discourses, 4.11.6-7

In the end, whether we like it or not, we need people. However, we also need isolation. This idea is the yin and the yang of reality — the balance between chaos and order. We are simultaneously individuals and members of a group - trying to propagate our genes, along with the survival of the species at large. It is essential for us as individuals to take the time to realize who and what we would like to be. From there, we can take steps to move toward that vision. If we take the time to align with what is inside, our level of dissonance will decrease. From there, we will begin to live with more mental ease. When we realize that there are many factors outside of our control, we can put to rest the uneasy tension that we have best known as anxiety. When we come to realize that we have a tiny sphere of influence, we can relax in the knowledge that our effect is much smaller than our ego would like to let us think. From here, we can come upon a state of ease and, ultimately, happiness because we are no longer spending our days chasing things outside of ourselves. When we stop projecting expectations onto others, we stop allowing ourselves to keep placing blame onto others for our lack of happiness.

It is quite impossible to unite happiness with a yearning for what we don’t have. Happiness has all that it wants, and resembling the well-fed, there shouldn’t be hunger or thirst.” - Epictetus, Discourses, 3.24.17

Divorcing ourselves of expectation is a huge step. This notion is taking responsibility for our mental well being. Placing expectations on others and allowing for disappointment provides a scapegoat that we can utilize to perpetuate a state of unhappiness and discontent. Many people spend decades at this lower level of life. Instead of taking responsibility and being grateful for what they have, they are bitter, cynical, and angry about people and situations that have let them down. Again, expectations and how a condition affects us is our most basal choice in this reality. It takes a great deal of effort, practice, discipline, and motivation to develop an adequate level of self-control. However, we can take back control of our lives and not let ourselves project expectations onto others.

For there are two rules to keep at the ready - that there is nothing good or bad outside my own reasoned choice, and that we shouldn’t try to lead events but to follow them.” - Epictetus, Discourses, 3.10.18