The family as a system

We, as humans are fundamentally social creatures. As a bi-product of this, in an ideal world, we seek out and form relationships. It seems to me that we rarely take a step back and ask ourselves questions about the quality of the relationships that we are developing and perhaps what is underlying those.

We likely know someone who always seems to be having “people problems.” This notion is to say they cannot hold a steady relationship, or they are ever feuding with people at work or worse yet, always fighting with their spouse. Perhaps this is not how things have to be; maybe this is not how things should be.

Science has told us that we can look at and study biological systems. Since we are made up of many cells, we can garner some insight from small groups of or even single cells. Murray Bowen began to do just that. What he discovered is that when he took two healthy cells and brought them together, they would not do too much. These healthy cells would recognize one another and remain in, let us call it a state of low anxiety. These cells did not “need” each other. However, if we alter the situation by introducing one or both cells as “sickly,” then things change dramatically. It was observed that as these two sickly cells were brought together, both of their levels of activity increased. The closer they were moved, the more hyper-active they became. Once the two cells touched, it was like the fourth of July with one cell usually completely consuming and being “fused” with the other. Murray was so intrigued by this, that eventually, he created an entire theory known as “Family Systems Theory” that leveraged biological terms to describe an ultimately deeply psychological phenomenon. This outlook reinforces the notion that we, as humans, are a culmination of physiological, mental, and social aspects.

Now, how might this show up in our everyday lives? Take, for example, the couple that relates to themselves as “we.” This “we-ness” - a seeking for togetherness - is a form of fusion. This idea can also be looked at as dependence or, worse yet, co-dependence.

“Generally, the spouses fuse into each other. One will gain self while the other loses self. When the relationship becomes fixed with one partner gaining self and the other losing self in a rigid manner, dysfunction results. They tend to be vulnerable to minor stresses with prolonged recoveries. These are the people who inherit a high number of human problems.” [1]

Where are we?

We are all on this earth because we have some semblance of a family. Biology states that to create a human, sperm, and egg must come together. Therefore, we have two biological parents. In some cases, we are well aware of this and accept our family for who they are. In other cases, we may deny or reject this. For some of us, we live physically far from our biological family, or perhaps we do not know a part or the entirety of who our biological parents are. The curious thing is that due to genetics, we will have similar mannerisms to those with whom we are biologically related regardless of our level of interaction. If we do interact with them, then this goes to another level. The family becomes a system. This concept is to say that our family is an interconnected network of nodes with each member, including ourselves, being one of those nodes. With this sort of network nature of existence, this means that what we do affects others and vise versa. It has been shown through research that we are affected much more than what we might want to think from our other family member’s actions, reactions, and interactions in addition to the genetic programming that has been handed down to us through the millennia.

“The one who does the most accommodating literally “absorbs” system anxiety and thus is the family member most vulnerable to problems such as depression, alcoholism, affairs, or physical illness.” [1]

“A core assumption is that an emotional system that evolved over several billion years governs human relationship systems. People have a “thinking brain,” language, a complex psychology, and culture, but people still do all the ordinary things other forms of life do. The emotional system affects most human activity and is the principal driving force in the development of clinical problems. Knowledge of how the emotional system operates in one’s family, work, and social systems reveals new and more effective options for solving problems in each of these areas.” [1]

In the Family Systems Theory model, eight facets have to do with aspects of the family system. These facets will be explained in the following paragraphs and are as follows: Triangles, Differentiation of Self, Nuclear Family Emotional Process, Family Projection Process, Multigenerational Transmission Process, Emotional Cutoff, Sibling Position, and finally the Social-Emotional Process.

Triangles

Triangles have three sides, and in this case, the proposition is that three people are involved. A triangle forms because a relationship with only two people is inherently unstable. When a third person is incorporated, it stabilizes the situation because it allows for an outlet of emotional tension. If two people are feuding, they will go to the third to express their distress. This setup creates an in and out-group. Two people choose to be closer, making the third an outsider. When another is selected over ourselves, we naturally feel rejected. This setup makes this situation more stable than a relationship of two, but still unstable with a high potential for dysfunction and emotional distress.

Differentiation of Self

This term has to do with how much we depend on others. A person with a “strong” sense of self or a “well” differentiated person is not strongly affected by the actions of others. A well-differentiated person can come to their conclusions regarding what a group is thinking. A person with a “weak” sense of self will try to manipulate and control those around them. These types of people are also much more prone to stress as they cannot quickly or easily adapt to new and changing situations.

Nuclear Family Emotional Process

Four primary patterns can develop within the family unit. The first is when both spouses externalize their anxieties and project them onto the other spouse. This notion is a game of trying to control and resisting the attempted control from the other. The second has to do with when one spouse submits to the more dominant. The more the one spouse yields, the higher their level of anxiety. The third pattern has to do with when one of the parents focus their concern on a child. This action is unhealthy for the child as it affects their ability to differentiate correctly. The final pattern is emotional distancing. This concept is when the members separate emotionally and sometimes physically when there exists too much tension and anxiety.

Family Projection Process

The Family Projection Process is one by which the parent projects and transmits their anxieties to their children. The overall concept is that a parent identifies some issues in their child. In their attempt to “fix” them, they project their insecurities and anxieties onto the child. It is often the case that the child manifests more severe symptoms than the parent’s initial worries. There are three primary steps in this process.

The parent:

1. “Focuses on a child out of fear that something is wrong with the child.”

2. “Interprets the child’s behavior as confirming the fear.”

3. “Treats the child as if something is wrong with the child.”

There are several ways in which this might manifest in the child through “relationship sensitivities”:

1. “Heightened needs for attention and approval.”

2. “Difficulty dealing with expectations.”

3. “Tendency to blame oneself or others.”

4. “Feeling responsible for the happiness of others or that others are responsible for one's... happiness.”

5. “Acting impulsively to relieve the anxiety of the moment rather than tolerating anxiety and acting thoughtfully.”

Multigenerational Transmission Process

Some factors affect the way we act and interact with people that span many generations. We inherit information from our parents on many different levels.

“The transmission occurs on several interconnected levels ranging from the conscious teaching and learning of information to the automatic and unconscious programming of emotional reactions and behaviors. Relationally and genetically transmitted information interact to shape an individual’s “self.”” [1]

Depending on whether each generation is getting more or less differentiated will determine the future fate of the family. If we are gradually getting more differentiated through the ages, eventually, the family will be highly differentiated. The converse is also true.

“The highly differentiated people have unusually stable nuclear families and contribute much to society; the poorly differentiated people have chaotic personal lives and depend heavily on others to sustain them.” [1]

The level of differentiation that we achieve has to do with what is passed along from our parents. We tend to gain a similar level of differentiation as our parents. From there, we tend to select a partner with a closely matching level of differentiation as well. This idea is why we tend to either become more or less differentiated because we choose people who are either slightly more or less differentiated than us. This concept provides the basis for intergenerational momentum for our level of differentiation.

Emotional Cutoff

This idea is a method by which people avoid unresolved family conflict. This approach can come in the form of physical or emotional separation. This separation is due to the emotional immaturity of both the parent and the child. When the child returns home, the anxiety quickly returns and manifests in dysfunction (yelling, etc.).

When we separate from our family of origin, we seek to create surrogate families. These substitute families include spouses, children, and friends. By taking such an approach, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure placed on the success of the relationship. This strategy can make us willing to accommodate people’s demands much more than is healthy for us in the hopes of continuing the relationship.

Sibling Position

Being in certain sibling positions suggests that we will exhibit specific characteristics. Take, for example, the firstborn and the tendency to take leadership positions. This concept also indicates the likelihood of divorce. If two spouses come from the same sibling position, it is likely they will continually fight for power (firstborn) or will face conflict in deciding “two youngest children are prone to struggle over who gets to lean on whom.” These are not absolute traits. There can be, for example, a firstborn who is emotionally reactive and insecure based on their treatment and differentiation.

Societal Emotional Process

In society, we form groups. Those groups are composed of individuals. So depending on the average overall differentiation and functioning of the individuals, it makes sense that the group would exhibit similar qualities. Therefore, groups can be more or less differentiated which, allows for better or worse, coping with stress and anxiety. “In a regression, people act to relieve the anxiety of the moment rather than act on principle and a long-term view.” Society goes through natural cycles of regression and progression.

Where should we go?

Potentially we do not have a strong sense of self, and we either in times past have become or are currently fused to someone in our family. With that being said, we can gain solace through the idea that our default mode is to have to work toward the differentiation of self. Most people are at best 50% differentiated, with VERY few reaching 70%. All of us start down at 0%, so we are in many ways all on the same path toward the formation of healthier and more robust relationships.

Family Systems Theory Illustration [1]

We can only continue to work toward a place of less emotional reactivity, not emotionally distancing ourselves, and not attempting to change others. It makes sense to me that merely being aware that we have these tendencies would allow us to become more mindful of our shortcomings and to work toward being more differentiated. There is also the idea that professional help through therapy might be a good idea. There are parts of our personality that we cannot see. Having someone reflect us our shortcomings can be incredibly painful, yet powerfully helpful.

Citations:

[1] Kerr, Michael E. “One Family’s Story: A Primer on Bowen Theory.” The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. 2000. http://www.thebowencenter.org.