Why we are lonely
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
As humans, we are born with the need for connection and separation. Because we are each unique, we all need different amounts of these two ingredients. These are, after all, opposed requirements that exist simultaneously within us. We will seek to fulfill each of these demands in different ways. When our need for connection is not satisfied, we can become lonely. If our desire for separation is not met, then we might feel anxious or overwhelmed.
I invite you to ponder the reasons for why we might not be meeting our need for connection in this day and age. I don’t exactly know why this might be, or if it is an issue for anyone aside from myself. I do tend to believe that I am not the only one. Therefore, in this article, we will explore some of the reasons that I’m thinking we are becoming more lonely than ever.
I want to preface this article by saying, the capitalistic system that we are presently in is the best approach that we have come across this far. That is not to say that it is the best it could be, but it is the best that we have. Now, let us explore some of the innate shortcomings such a system has when it comes to meeting our requirement for human connection.
The Downsides of Capitalism
The capitalist system is predicated on the notion that we are all individual, independent agents. We are only individuals as far as we look at each other and draw boundaries where our skin comes in contact with the air and our feet with the ground. We have been taught this model. We have also been informed that inside these skin boundaries are “free thinkers” or independent agents that can reason, plan, and choose on their own, without the interference of anything else.
To illustrate how we can never be completely independent and thus cleaved from the group, let us consider the question: How many of the things that we utilize every day, do we make? I know for myself that there are not many things that I use or consume that I wholly or independently manufacture. This concept means that I buy stuff from the store which someone else has fabricated. This idea is one level of dependency or my need for others to survive and thrive.
How many of the thoughts and ideas that we have are our own? Ever since the day that I was born, I know that people have been guiding and teaching me. I know for me, those thoughts of the past and interactions with other people have had an impact on who I am. I’m not sure how much was nurture and how much was nature, but I know for a fact that after a significant life event, I am a different person. I would also argue that I am an altered person almost every second of the day. It seems to me that every time I interact with someone, or something, I am changed in some small way. The point here is the “me” that I think I am, has been created by interactions with many other people.
I know that I am a culmination of every experience that I have had before this time. I also know that I need others to make the goods and services that I use. I can see that we are not independent agents only out for our own good all of the time. We instead are a series of experiences that have formed us into who we are.
By being an “individual,” we can be sold products that help to amplify this illusion. Take, for example, cell phone covers. They have some utility in the sense that they cover and protect our phone, but they also make it stand out from the rest of the thousands of phones that are just like the one that we have. However, this idea goes far beyond cell phones. Luxury brands are a significant separation between the individual who can purchase such a thing and those who cannot. When in reality, these individuals still put their pants on one leg at a time.
The point of all of this is to realize that we are all part of an interconnected reality. We can all mutually benefit from the systems that have been put into place. It is when we start to see ourselves as separate from others, that things begin to get out of perspective. If we keep in mind that we are more alike than we are different, we will start to treat each other differently.
Psychological Exploitation
It is surprising to me that generally speaking, we as humans know so little about our psychology unless, of course, we are a studied psychologist. Our psychological state drives our every thought, word, and action, yet we do not take the time to learn this subject. It is for this reason that people who do can exploit the weaknesses in such shared human psychology.
There are countless ways salespeople exploit built-in shortcomings of human psychology to sell a product, idea, or service. Take, for example, showing a high price first and then a lower one. We are much more likely to buy when the price has been lowered as compared to an original. That is why when we see prices on such things as cars, they are marked up so that when we come in, they can be reduced to ease the sale.
There is another tactic of stringing people along. Car salesmen will often allow the negotiation of a lower price than what they want to get the paperwork started. Once they get it complete, the price goes back to the customer at a higher than negotiated rate. The salesman mentions that the extra cost is in fees, etc. Most people will go ahead and pay the additional fees because they are so far along in the process.
The rule of reciprocity is another high-value sales technique. If the salesman offers us a “free” gift, this is often a hook. Once we accept the present, we are more likely to buy from that person because they have done us a favor. It is human nature to want to reciprocate a perceptually generous offer. However, when salespeople come bearing seemingly free things, know that nothing is given for free.
This strategy can all be tied back to the individual mindset. Most commercials are framed in the following general manner: “You are not good enough the way that you are, buy our product, and you will get x, y, and z.” We get sold on the notion of the halo effect. If we buy a product, then we will get the resulting things we want that aren’t the product itself.
This effect of unworthiness has intensified as levels of human interaction have fallen. There is evidence to show that humans used to have about five people that they would consider very close and could call upon at any time. That number has dropped to zero in the modern era, according to Johann Hari. This trend illustrates the concept that we, as humans, are social creatures and desire this particular type of interaction.
As we progress as a society, the level of social interaction is decreasing. The promise of goods and services, providing us with the happiness that we seek, is increasing in conjunction with the message that our product will boost our social status. This situation has become a cyclical and self-fulfilling prophecy in a way (less social interaction, more immense void to fill with material, etc.). How is it that we have allowed human interaction to fade over time?
Fading of Human Interaction
Technology is seeping into our lives faster and in more ways than we can comprehend. This change can be hugely beneficial. However, with anything containing a significant benefit, there are potentially equivalent drawbacks.
Let us examine how the development of goods exchange has evolved due to technological advancement. I want to focus on the transfer of groceries, mainly fresh goods.
We can imagine that some time ago, years before the industrial revolution, people farmed for a living. They would grow their crops and bring them to the market. In the market, they would trade and barter for things that they could, not themselves, cultivate, or provide. We can imagine that these markets provided a plethora of social interaction.
As time went on and society invented a medium of exchange, the farmers no longer had to bring their crops to market and carry home their traded goods. They could sell their crops, collect currency, and trade that for valuable products and services. The trend was most likely away from large markets and gatherings by which to exchange goods. This era was still a time of significant social interaction, as the products and services were paid directly to the service provider.
These currencies allowed for farmers to create a surplus of crops and to gain more monetary wealth. This new medium of exchange allowed for storefronts to be born. These stores were storage areas of goods where people could trade currency. The farmers no longer had to travel many miles to a market. This change was the beginning of the concentration of wealth and the end of all people having to be subsistence farmers.
As time wore on, and energy became an abundant resource, the concentration increased. Now people did not have to farm. Farmers could create such a surplus that people could tend to other things. Things such as math, philosophy, science, and literature were born out of this time. As energy availability increased, fewer and fewer people had to farm. The markets became more substantial, and the food business was born.
These markets eventually came to be known as “supermarkets,” where we can purchase almost any food at any time of the year. Now instead of visiting 6-10 shops to gather soap, dishes, vegetables, meats, etc. Customers go to the one-stop-shop, collect all the necessary goods, and leave the store with only talking to one person - the cashier.
As technology has advanced, it is clear to see that human interaction in the area of food goods has diminished tremendously. It has become even less interactive with the advent of “self-checkout.” I can now enter a store and leave with my products and not have spoken to a single soul. This trend is about to go one or two steps further with things such as “Amazon Fresh” offering under 2-hour delivery. We will not have to leave our house to get sustenance.
It would be one thing if we were utilizing these time savings methods to do things that involve the interaction of more people. However, in my own experience, this is not the case. It seems as though people leverage these services and then look for more fun, faster, ways of getting entertained. Being entertained some of the time is fine; however, it begs the question, when does this become a distraction?
Intensification of Sensory Inputs
Technology is undoubtedly a fantastic thing. However, it is imperative for us to understand ourselves and how we might react to such an ocean of stimulus. Technology has allowed us to drink out of a fire hose of information every second of every day. If we continually try to drink out of such a stream, likely, we will not get anything of quality to drink. We will most likely become very thirsty after a short amount of time.
Everything to us humans is relative. That includes our experiences. Take, for example, sugar. If we eat a large amount of refined sugar in our diet, the area of our brain that is associated with taste buds will become overstimulated. This intense taste of sugar becomes our new baseline. Think of this new baseline like going out into the very bright sun with no sunglasses on. When we step into a dimly lit room, we cannot see anything. This result happens because our senses were overwhelmed and washed out by the sensory input. When we then try to taste something with more natural sweetness like a blueberry, it does not feel that sweet and perhaps a bit bitter, because our senses have been washed out. This new sensory overwhelmed baseline is learned, so it can be unlearned if we focus on eating less refined sugar in our diet. An analogy can be drawn to technology with a particular emphasis on social media.
Do you find yourself reaching for your phone often? When you are bored, can you sit and be bored, or do you check your phone? I know that when I leave my phone in the car when I go into the grocery store, and I’m waiting in line, it comes to my mind, “Oh, my phone is in the car, I cannot check it now.” Then, a weird feeling of emptiness comes over me. The realization that I may be addicted to checking my phone follows close behind.
What is it that we are receiving on these devices all of the time? We get constant notifications of things people want to sell us, or that people liked some post that we published. This concept communicates to us that we are special, uniques, and needed. These are all fundamental human desires. However, this type of gratification is fleeting. We become trained to take life in 15-second youtube clips, or via photos of someone else’s vacation. Not only is it not our life, but often it is of the lives of people that we barely know at best. Why are we to think that these people care about us?
Why are we so overwhelmed by all of this stimulus? Our brains are mighty, but limited in the amount of data or information that they can receive and process at any given time. Therefore, over millennia, we have evolved to notice differences in our surroundings primarily. Most of what we see is mentally reconstructed in our minds, and anything different from that mental picture is what we tend to notice. This idea is why when someone hangs a poster in the hall, in our school, or workplace, we see it the first day. Then the subsequent days, we do not notice it at all. Because our brains cannot handle this fire hose of reality, we tend only to take in a minimal amount of our surroundings. This idea - along with training ourselves to have a short attention span - is a dangerous thing for lifelong fulfillment and happiness.
It has been shown time and again that things that are easy for us to do end up being less fulfilling then us setting an arduous goal and overcoming hardship to attain its end. We are training ourselves with instant gratification and superficial entertainment. We are learning that being stimulated continuously is more important than goal setting, being disciplined, and dedicated to reaching those goals. It is for this reason that I believe the school systems in the United States, in particular, are in a mode of crisis. Students do not want to do work because they do not see the long term value. They would rather watch a 15-second youtube clip of someone kicking themselves in their forehead.
The Delusion We Tell Ourselves
There is seemingly one thread that extends through much of human happiness. This tie is social interaction. If we have a perceived fair amount of quality human connection, then most people seem to have the right amount of life satisfaction. It is when this level of stimulus falls that issues arise. This path can lead to isolation and depression.
Why is it that some of us fall victim to this? Most of the time, it is due to the story that we tell ourselves. We fear others realizing who or what it is that we are. So instead of going out into the world and sharing our gift (being vulnerable), we dry up and play small. We live in fear that we are inadequate or not enough. We begin to lose perspective and create a mentally defeating pattern. This idea is magnified by the fact that social media shows us only the best of other lives. I can speak about this feeling of isolation from experience. I have overcome this negative cycle many times in my life. So how is it that we might do this?
I start by reframing my situation. We can choose to realize the miracle that it is to be alive. There is an infinite number of reasons that we could not have been brought into this world. From this stems gratitude, I focus on what it is that I have instead of what it is I do not. Humans have evolved to focus on the negative because historically, something negative could have killed us.
While we are on the topic of death, it is of use to meditate on such an experience. Why is it that we are afraid of something that we have never experienced? Can we think of what it was like before we were born? How horrible was that? Perhaps thinking of after death as a similar experience can bring down the fear of such a thing. Being attached to this current reality is most likely the cause of the fear of death. Most people are very identified with who it is that they think they are. We cannot begin to let go until we realize that we are simply a collection of memories and ideas. We can let go of this when we understand that we are not, in fact, unusual or unique from other humans.
Most people garner a great deal of fear from the thought of death. In fact, in social situations, people perceive being discovered as a fake, or an idiot is something similar to the end of life. This concept becomes extremely powerful when we remember that our minds only recall experiences by the maximum intensity and the result. We do not take into account time or the expected benefit that we might gain from overcoming something like social anxiety. It is a beautiful thing to realize that we can train ourselves to overcome such experiences by small, repeated, and voluntary exposures to the things that make us afraid or weak. It is tough, but the only way.
It is because we have not taken the time to become genuinely okay with ourselves that we still get snowed by marketing techniques. Think of it this way, if we are pleased and fulfilled just the way that we are, what is it that we truly need? The cultivation of this state of abundance takes time. Daily practice of patience and gratitude are two ways to reorient ourselves. We can choose to focus on what it is that we do have, or what we can do to change the current situation.
It’s important to remember that people will continue to stay around us and interact so long as we are helping to meet one or more of their needs. When we do this, we simultaneously get our needs met while meeting the needs of another. This notion is the seed that can melt the iceberg of isolation.