Practice what you preach...
“The human tongue is a beast that few can master.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
I have been giving speeches at a local Toastmasters group (a public speaking club) for a little over two years. I joined the organization because I realize that dialogue and human relationships are the two most fulfilling things in my life. My goal is to develop myself into a public speaker and author. I thoroughly enjoy Toastmasters because it is a platform where I can express myself and present topics to others that have helped me in my life’s odyssey. Last night I participated in my second annual speech competition. It was a pretty profound experience that I would like to share with you some of the things that I learned by going through such an episode.
“Remember: You are your own father. Do not let yourself spend years creating yourself only to let your guard down and allow the ghost of the past — father, habit, history — to sneak back in.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
The theme of my speech was regarding the importance of human relationships. I believe that highly functioning social connections are the most precious thing that we have in life. I spoke about this and how my father and I did not have such a link. I shared this by letting the audience know that my father committed suicide this summer. It was a profound speech for myself and the people listening. The lessons started almost the moment I walked in the door to the meeting. It was substantial to be simultaneously tested in the ways that I would preach to get better at relationships in my speech in a real-life forum while I was providing such a discourse.
“When you show yourself to the world and display your talents, you naturally stir all kinds of resentment, envy, and other manifestations of insecurity... you cannot spend your life worrying about the petty feelings of others” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
The first lesson came from my friend. He is a confident and spontaneous type. Deep down, I am a bit envious of him. He is exponentially better than me at human relationships from what I perceive. He’s told me stories about how well he used to do with women, and he has a gorgeous and profoundly kind and caring wife. He has what I am struggling to achieve. This is always difficult for me to swallow without a side order of bitterness or resent. He was there and had not prepared a speech at all, delivering his impromptu dialogue as usual. This also annoys me because I practice for weeks ahead of time and feel that I only do as well at best as he does. My friend also likes to try to, in a playful manner, engage in psychological games. These I enjoy because they are more like fun jokes. It’s like Arnold and Lou Ferrigno before Mr. Olympia in the movie “Pumping Iron.” However, we are making light of the film, so it’s all in fun. The lesson I gathered from this interaction is to keep the focus on who I am today, as compared to who I was yesterday, not toward who someone else is today.
“You choose to let things bother you. You can just as easily choose not to notice the irritating offender, to consider the matter trivial and unworthy of your interest. That is the powerful move. What you do not react to cannot drag you down in a futile engagement. Your pride is not involved. The best lesson you can teach an irritating gnat is to consign it to oblivion by ignoring it.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
The second lesson came from a gentleman who entered the meeting late. This “guest” as newcomers in Toastmasters are called, happened to arrive about 2 minutes into my speech delivery. The door to the room is directly stage left only about seven feet from the center of the platform. So needless to say, this guest entering the room was a distraction. I was immediately annoyed and soon after enraged. I thought to myself to shuttle this man to his seat, but then I thought, no, I need to charge on, I don’t want to stumble with my speech and the clock was ticking as the delivery is timed. So I marched on. According to onlookers, I gave him a glance and moved forward. I even stepped to his side of the room, which was later conveyed to me as a power play. In the moment, I was doing everything I could to not fly off the handle mentally. I was so mad. I was thinking about how I don’t deserve to have such an experience. The most ironic part is, just as he sat down, I began to deliver the portion of my speech that spoke about the love of others and how we should realize that other people did not make themselves or their flaws. I was not keen enough to pick up on this real-life test; it was not until after that, I would figure out what had just happened.
“An emotional response to a situation is the single greatest barrier to power, a mistake that will cost you a lot more than any temporary satisfaction you might gain by expressing your feelings.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
After my speech, I quickly slinked back to my seat, entirely mentally defeated. I was so disgruntled. I was mad at this person who I had never met. I was not practicing what I had just preached.
“If, for example, you are miserly by nature, you will never go beyond a certain limit; only generous souls attain greatness.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
I remember, at one point, after my speech was over, sitting in the back of the room, looking down at the tie that I had just purchased earlier in the day, thinking how it resembled my life. The pattern was a gray and black plaid that was aligned at a 45-degree angle. Overlayed on this pattern are pink roses that have been highlighted with gray. I was sitting there, so upset, angry, and sad, thinking that this tie represents my life. I thought most of my emotional life is a shade of black or gray with random gray roses that come along with time. As soon as the roses come, they leave yet again. I think the roses are symbolic of times of joy in my life. I was thinking this for how my speaking career was going as I had won the speech competition the prior year, and I was sure that I would come in last this year.
“Without enemies around us, we grow lazy. An enemy at our heels sharpens our wits, keeping us focused and alert. It is sometimes better, then, to use enemies as enemies rather than transforming them into friends or allies.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
After sulking through most of the speeches, I made it to the end where the second lesson would come to full fruition. This situation occurred when I talked to my friend at the break. He said, “Everything happens for a reason.” I balked at this remark, saying, “Ha! sure.” He said, “Man your father just walked in during your speech, interrupted it, turned his back to you, and acted like you weren’t even there.” He said, “That’s a lesson, a part of something bigger than you.” It kind of hit me. I realized that metaphorically and perhaps symbolically, yes, this was my father. The gentleman was a bit older, having just retired from Ford. He wore sandals in the middle of the winter with heavily calloused feet. His hair was short, gray, and very messy like he had just crawled out of bed. He wore an old flannel shirt that covered his enormous belly that far overhung his pants. He was a decently sharp fellow as he spoke during a table topics session. However, like my father, who was also intelligent, his appearance was less than polished. There seems to be something about people who do not have an outward appearance of being put together. They appear aloof, lost in their mental stratus. In this way, this man reminds me of my father and has propelled me toward my goal of mastery.
“There is nothing more intoxicating than victory, and nothing more dangerous.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
The third lesson came from the results of the competition and how the winner spoke to me afterward. The winner of the event was the president of the club. He told me after that he decided to talk at 2 pm on the day of the contest. Now, he also shared during the meeting that he has been in toastmasters for several decades, he is also at least 10-20 years older than me. However, there is something at my core that is frustrated when someone can come with a lack of perceived preparation and win something like this. It took me a few minutes to digest, but I realize that he has been preparing for this competition for years. When he gave his first speech, he had to practice 60 hours before even setting foot in front of the Toastmasters group. It’s incredible to me that someone who came from such low self-esteem has pushed himself to such great heights. I realize that I am only envious of his ability that has come as a result of many years of hard work and dedication.
The idea of preparation, in this instance, reminds me of a famous artist who was sitting in a coffee shop drawing a hand. At the end, he was going to discard the drawing and a lady nearby asked if she could have it. He said no, and took it because it was not just this one hand, but thousands of hours of practice to be proficient enough to draw the way he does. Therefore, this one drawing was precious even if it was not exactly what the artist desired and, therefore, not worthy of display.
“Never waste valuable time, or mental peace of mind, on the affairs of others—that is too high a price to pay.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
The final lesson of the evening came as a result of people’s reactions toward my speech, and it’s the subject matter. I have given many speeches over the past two years, and when the content is on something happy or a story of triumph, then the accolades at the end are overwhelming. This time, that was not the case. During the speech, I saw several people tearing up, which caught me off guard. I have been processing the emotions surrounding my father and his death for about a decade. When I delivered this speech, I have come to realize that what I am saying is evoking emotions in other people that I know nothing about because it is relating to situations in their past of which I am unaware. I think this was one reason that the feedback at the end of my speech was underwhelming. People told me that I did an excellent job and then slunk away.
“In the future, the great division will be between those who have trained themselves to handle these complexities and those who are overwhelmed by them -- those who can acquire skills and discipline their minds and those who are irrevocably distracted by all the media around them and can never focus enough to learn.” - Robert Greene, Mastery
It has been perplexing to me for quite some time that people are seemingly put off by sullen, or dire subjects in life. I met with a mentor recently and ran this idea by him. He was able to say what I was thinking succinctly. He mentioned that people like to avoid reality, or they are in denial of what is. He suggests that in the end, the human condition means that we are alone and that we die. People would instead simply look the other way and pretend that this is not the case. So when subjects come up that remind them of their mortality, they would rather live in a fantasy world, then see the grotesque face of reality.
“Fools say that they learn by experience. I prefer to profit by others’ experience.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
It was interesting that my mentor mentioned exposing children to evil without having them partake. He recounted a time when he lived in Los Angeles, and his father slowed down on the way home from church to show him and his siblings a homeless woman who was passed out drunk in a gutter. His father said, “You see her, she is not any less valuable than any other human on earth. However, she is making tough decisions. She is making decisions that are placing her there. Be careful not to make the same decisions in your life because that can happen to you.” This scenario, to me, is profound. To many, this might seem extreme and offensive. It makes sense to me that experiences like this make us less naive, and when we are less gullible, we are less vulnerable to being taken advantage of in the world.
“Think of it this way: There are two kinds of failure. The first comes from never trying out your ideas because you are afraid, or because you are waiting for the perfect time. This kind of failure you can never learn from, and such timidity will destroy you. The second kind comes from a bold and venturesome spirit. If you fail in this way, the hit that you take to your reputation is greatly outweighed by what you learn. Repeated failure will toughen your spirit and show you with absolute clarity how things must be done.” - Robert Greene, Mastery
I thoroughly enjoy Jordan Peterson’s take on this state of denial. He uses the story of Peter Pan. Generally speaking, he mentions that there are many, especially men, who are like Peter Pan. As boys, we are nothing but potential. “Pan,” the god of everything, represents this. However, if we get trapped in Neverland, we do not face the world of chaos, instead we hide and live in fantasy wasting our time. There is the dragon of chaos, the crocodile with the clock in its stomach. The clock represents the time already taken from us. As we age, the crocodile keeps taking time, and we don’t get it back.
Additionally, we have the chance to marry the girl, “Wendy,” that is best for us. However, instead, we get married to a ferry. The ferry represents the image of perfection of woman. It’s much like women are portrayed on television or adult films of today. Wendy is a real girl who would turn into a real woman and push us to be who we need to be. Getting pushed and making sacrifices is a painful experience. It seems as though people would instead try to avoid making sacrifices at all (which is not possible) and try to avoid the perceived pain of doing such. It seems to me that the pain of regret will be much more poignant as the crocodile continually takes time until one day we wake out of our Neverland slumber to realize that life has passed us. Having my father take his own life is indeed a potent reminder that time is precious, and that we must face life head-on and stare into the eyes of the grotesque and chaotic if we are to lead a life well-lived.
In the end, I took second place in the speech competition. I am pleased with the result as I get to advance and hone my craft. There is undoubtedly something inside of me that wants to be first or the best. I realize that with any sort of mastery, there is a time of practice and apprenticeship, which I see, I am now in that phase.
“A natural response when people feel overwhelmed is to retreat into various forms of passivity. If we don’t try too much in life, if we limit our circle of action, we can give ourselves the illusion of control. The less we attempt, the less chances of failure. If we can make it look like we are not really responsible for our fate, for what happens to us in life, then our apparent powerlessness is more palatable.” - Robert Greene, Mastery
When we are not able to properly orient ourselves in the world based on gaining feedback from others, it seems as though our mind will quickly turn against itself. I knew nothing of how well I did, or how the audience, especially the judges, perceived my speech delivery. Instead of thinking positively and that it went well, I immediately based it on what was going on inside of my head, which I have learned was unfounded based on the situation.
“The key then to attaining this higher level of intelligence is to make our years of study qualitatively rich. We don’t simply absorb information - we internalize it and make it our own by finding some way to put this knowledge to practical use.” - Robert Greene, Mastery
I like to think that we all share a common thread. We learn things and want to enact them. However, it seems like the learning is the easy, or straightforward part. At least for me, bridging the gap between a book and application to reality is complicated. I think an even more arduous point is leveraging that knowledge at the appropriate or critical time. It seems like we can know what to do, and do it when we are not under stress, however, it’s a whole other level when we can use the tools we have learned in a situation that is unfamiliar and or uncomfortable. It’s painful and intense to realize that we know something intellectually but are not yet capable of deploying that knowledge in the real world as wisdom. Life is thus a series of challenges that we can welcome, and learn from.
“A natural response when people feel overwhelmed is to retreat into various forms of passivity. If we don’t try too much in life, if we limit our circle of action, we can give ourselves the illusion of control. The less we attempt, the less chances of failure. If we can make it look like we are not really responsible for our fate, for what happens to us in life, then our apparent powerlessness is more palatable.” - Robert Greene, Mastery
I am hopeful that my awareness and willingness to reflect will allow me to improve upon how I act and interact in such stressful situations. I hope to, as my friend’s speech was so aptly named, “Practice what you preach” much more in my daily life. I feel good that I can see what happened and learn from the experience. It feels like a powerful and profound notion to get to this level of awareness and acceptance, even if it is after the fact. It is up to us to be the change that we want to see in the world.
“To succeed in the game of power, you have to master your emotions. But even if you succeed in gaining such self-control, you can never control the temperamental dispositions of those around you. And this presents a great danger.” - Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
Here are some complimentary companion articles to consider for further contemplation regarding acceptance, wisdom, and loss. It seems like our entire life is, at least in part, devoted to dying appropriately. Having a close loss in the family can reinforce this notion. When we keep the end in sight, it becomes apparent that forgiveness is of paramount importance. Because we only have one thing and to not forgive is to hold a grudge, and to hold a grudge is to ruin the present moment. It is apparent to me that wisdom - practicing what we preach - is essential to a life well-lived and an end experienced well.