Are we proficient at communicating?

“…remember to be interested in the other person rather than trying to be interesting.” - John M. Gottman

When I was growing up, I would often become frustrated when I felt like a friendship was a one-way street. I would have a friend who I thought that I was always calling and not receiving anything in return. I have since realized a couple of things about why experiencing such a situation made me feel so bad and exasperated. It makes sense to me that the crux of this problem had to do with communication. I wrote this post in hopes that we can all learn something about interfacing in a way that functions well. 

Who are we?

“Those who understand others are clever, those who understand themselves are wise.” - Tao Te Ching, chapter 33

Communication seems to be a tricky thing because to convey what we want and need; we must first know who we are. If we are honest, how well do we know ourselves? This concept seems to be an issue of self-differentiation. When we make decisions on our own, for ourselves, we are strongly differentiated. If, on the other hand, we need someone there to console and guide us every step of the way, then we are emotionally dependent. 

How might we be able to communicate who we are and what we want when we need someone else around to tell us who we are? The answer is we cannot. Now, it’s essential to keep in mind that we are only differentiated in a context. For example, I might be well-differentiated when I am out on my own, living in another state. When I go home to see my parents, perhaps I immediately submit and only know what to do concerning their wants and needs. This idea is an essential first step to understanding who we are. We must understand who we are to communicate that effectively to another. 

Self-defining and Self-differentiating

“I have a commitment to myself to grow from my failures.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever

Another large part of understanding who we are is learning where we end, and others begin by self-defining and self-differentiating. It’s essential to understand this boundary, as we can then take control of what is ours. For example, if we walk around thinking that no one likes me, because I’m a loser, then this can be detrimental if it is not valid. If people have told us for our whole life that we are worthless, then we tend to start to believe it in most cases. However, if instead, we are a rare gem that has difficulty fitting in because we are so unique that folks don’t know how to handle us, that is an entirely different mindset. People will tend to project their problems onto us. It seems rare that people take responsibility for their shortcomings. 

Defining the border between ourselves and others also has to do with emotions. This notion is to say, we must learn about what part of others we are responsible for in terms of emotional well being. We can contribute to another feeling good or feeling bad. Still, the responsibility is on the other person for their own positive or negative emotions. As Viktor Frankl said, the last of the human freedoms is our ability to choose our attitude about any given situation. This concept is critical to understand because if we don’t, we might spend our life trying to appease, or worse yet, take away the emotional pain of another. This approach, of course, is an absurd and impossible task that only hinders both parties involved. 

Needs

“...keep it positive—what you do need as opposed to what you don’t need or want.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever

Part of effective communication is being able to send and receive our needs. We all have needs; it is our job to understand them and then to meet those requirements. Some of those necessities require other humans. In that case, the onus is on us to understand our requisites, and then to search in the world for someone who has compatible demands. If we can simultaneously meet our requirements, and the necessities of another, then that is a symbiotic relationship. If we can successfully be self-defining and understand our needs, it is time to move onto focus on the other.

The other person

“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever

Once we know and understand ourselves to the highest degree possible, it is time to embark on that same process toward another. There is a definite line drawn between understanding and accepting someone for who they are, as opposed to imposing onto them what we want them to be. This comes back to emotional maturity. Can we take a step back and let the other person be who they are in our presence? Can we let go of our needs to be able to hold a space for them and not try to mold them into who we think they should be? This is a challenge, as our default mode is to attempt to change another. It’s not until we become more emotionally independent that we can take the mindset of not needing another to change so that we might be happy. 

Communication Styles

“commitment to being curious rather than correct that allows us to turn toward instead of away from one another in the moments of disagreement.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever

If we want this process of interacting with other humans to go well, then it is our job to understand how the other person communicates as their approach varies. For example, if I am confrontational, and someone else is conflict-avoidant, then I must take the time to see and understand that. By taking this step back, I can act in a way that will not make the other person feel intimidated as they might if I am too direct. This approach is especially crucial in a managerial role where we might be in charge of a group of people, all of whom have different communication styles. 

The intriguing thing is that the only device we have to use to carry out such action is language. Although conveying concepts is multidimensional (sounds, sight, and tactile), the phrases that we use strongly matter. I have been blessed to understand from a mentor that “should” and “what” statements are shameful. These are sentences that do not function well. We can change “You should get a job” to “I welcome you to consider the benefits of obtaining a job.” Or “what are you doing” to “I can’t help but notice that you are doing something that I don’t understand.” The crux of this issue is welcoming people into a space of not knowing in a way that does not feel intimidating. When we use “what” and “should,” it implies that we know what is best for the other person, this is a weak stance as we, most of the time, are not even sure what is best for ourselves. 

Pain Avoidance

“Admit when you’re wrong. Shut up when you’re right.” - John Gottman

A strong point to keep in mind is that people will tend to avoid pain much more vehemently than they will seek pleasure. This idea illustrates why shame is so powerful. If we tend toward making judgments of others, create secrets, or silence in any way, we are feeling negative emotions in the other person. As much as we would like to think that we are rational or logical beings, at the end of the day, we are emotional creatures. If what I am saying or doing is creating the feeling of shame in another, then they will unconsciously move away from me either emotionally or physically. The toughest part is that they may not actively know that they are doing this. We tend to move away from things that make us feel anxious. Anxiety is generated by our autonomic nervous system, which is a subconscious mechanism. So people will feel anxious and move away from others without being able to describe why they think that way. This notion makes it more challenging to correct when it comes up in our lives. 

Personal Responsibility

“…taking responsibility—even for a small part of the problem in communication—presents the opportunity for great repair.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever

Here I am marching us down a well-trodden road in my articles. I am suggesting that we must take personal responsibility here for our actions surrounding communication. If we are a poor communicator, the onus is on us to work to develop these skills and patterns that will help us to succeed. I want to talk about responsibility here because this next point takes quite a bit of discipline and honesty to confront. 

We all most likely know the cliche saying that we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions or something along the lines of the highway to hell is paved with good intentions. This idea is what is coming into effect when we say things like, “I didn’t mean to.” By using the metric of intention to judge ourselves we are abdicating responsibility. We are not holding ourselves liable for our actions. In the end, communication is intensely focused on operations. I don’t show someone else how much they matter to me by telling them. It’s the same thing in writing; we don’t say to the reader that Johnny is a righteous person; we describe situations that emulate his good nature and character. We must take great care here because if, for example, we tell our friends that they matter to us, yet we show up twenty minutes late for dinner, that tells them that whatever we were doing was more important than them. We communicate actively via our actions, and the only currency of those is time. We all have the same amount of time, and what we do with it will highlight who we care for through our actions that fill that time.

Conclusion

“...to have an open heart and mind, an attentive ear, and a true desire and curiosity to connect.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever

In the end, I realized that the reason people that I deemed friends were not calling me back was that they were not my friends at all. People who want to spend time with us will communicate that. Additionally, we are all inherently selfish (not in a negative connotation), so if someone is not meeting our needs, we will tend not to try to spend time with them. Finally, I realize that by not hearing from a percieved friend was inducing shame in me. We know from previous articles that shame is spurred from judgment, secrets, and silence. When we do not hear from someone for quite some time, that seems to be a lot like silence. The main concluding point from this article is the development of emotional maturity and presence of mind. If we can channel our emotions and be present with another, it makes sense that we can communicate better. When we mature enough to focus on others, their needs, and feelings, in many cases, this approach will open people up to us in ways that we could have never imagined.

Additional Reading

You are welcomed to revisit this article which highlights expectations and how they might interfere with good communication. This article aims at adjusting our expectations to experience life in a new and better way. We can also step back into the first post related to communication here which is focused on listening and the flagship article which started this whole discussion around this topic here.